Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Tour Eiffel (Eiffel Tower)

I came, I climbed, I failed!
k, here's a little quizzipoo for you....where in the world is pocket edward?

This will test how "special" you are a
nd whether you get to ride on the longer bus or the short bus!
Here I am planning on how I'm going to climb this monstrosity! It's bigger than I thought.

Now I feel bad, I had bragged to my human the whole trip how I was going to use my pocket vampire SKILLS to climb to the very very top of the Eiffel Tower.

Ummm...shouldn't have done that...should've gotten a little lookipoo before I ran my big fat pocket vampire mouth!So, from the boost of my human's hand I jumped as high as my non-moving pocket vamp legs would let me jump. I managed to get a hold on the bottom of the tower, but I have to admit

Dude I was high up!

I tried to climb up from there and kept saying to my self *i think i can i think i canI was on a little bitty ledge...dude..I am immortal but this scared me to DEATH how do those humans just walk under the tower like that like lalala it's no big

This is what I saw when I got up to the top...even my bouffant blew in the wind, we were really high up! Yes, I rode in the lift thingie...I tried to climb, but couldn't conquer it. I asked my human with my head hanging low.
I felt so guilty I took this picture of my human. say cheese or whatever...human girl!
Okay after all, turned out all I could climb was this little tiny pocket version of the eiffel tower. I was feeling low. My human is nice after all she bought this for me to have.

So, to sum up, I cannot climb the Eiffel Tower! Not even with my Pocket vampire skills, some things are just not possible even for the great PE!

I'm out! Later, I'll tell you about my human's trip to Roma!

Pocket Edward Goes to Paris

Okay, see we all know Edward is old right?
Well, he loves him some art!

So, guess what me, his favorite human did? I took him where the best art in the world is! I took him to the Louvre (pronounced Loove) museum!
Take it PE!

Hey guys it's me PE, this me in the courtyard at the Louvre museum. I was a nice day that day, not too sunny and not raining. My human hates rain! So, because I love art so much, I was so excited, I almost did a dance, but my human would be embarrassed!

I hope it is okay that she didn't buy me a ticket, but still snuck me in, in her purse. I had to go through the x-ray thingie..wonder what they thought when they saw my little plastic outline? Whatever! I got in free! My human can be crafty!

Here I am explaining this golden talisman to my human. It was pretty much just the "bling" that hung around the three Napoleon's neck to show they were ballas, shot callas, you know the norm...dudes were Emperor for crying out loudWe moved on quickly. Did I mention my human has ADD and she has a huge not caring problem when it comes to this beautiful artwork! Until I met my B I was alone ALOT

So what I did was read every book I could get my hands on including the most important book ever....The Bible...duh!

this is a picture of the Marys under the cross right as Jesus dies. It's beautiful, but like I said my Human had ADD so I got a picture to show B when I get home. Then we moved on cause my human was complaining!These are cool, they are almost PE sized. These are way older than me. They make me look like a newborn compared to them. They are Ancient Egyptian drawings of......
I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA, they obviously died out for a reason!

Whatever!K I have to say that I'm a little bit of a trouble maker, especially when "B" is not around to keep me in line.

Here you see me looking like I'm explaining something, but I'm actually KNOCKING ON THE GLASS!

Remember I said that, my human snuck me in her purse. Well, I just ruined the secrecy. So my human snatched me up and we ran out through the door we came in.
Here we are upon our exit. So since, we were not welcome inside we explored outside.hehe...right here it looks like I'm touching the pyramid thingie! It's funny...didn't do it on purpose, but cool!!!!

Here I am later, pointing out that oh so famous pyramid thingie...There is one big one and one little one...yay it's also an entrance to the aforementioned museum that I (and my human) was thrown out of.

Here is the Lily Pond, I bought this print for B but my human threatened to leave me on the bus forever if I didn't give it to her..she's mean!!! Anyhoo, me and Claude Monet (the artist) we used to hang...I have the original at home anyway. I'll give that one to B and tell her it's fake.
that arch back there behind my little pocket arms was built for some victory that Napoleon Bonaparte you know the first short guy (like me) won. So I thought in honor of that I would make the victory symbol with my arms. It's also, the touchdown or good kick sign in American football it's universal like that I try to perform for all my peeps! Sup guys


We went to this big old gawdy French castle called human said they used to eat cake there or something...dunnoAll I know is the damn castle was really far away!
Also it was huge even from my human's point of view

This is me pointing out to my human how ugly that gold gate thing is over there...yucky! It's too damn shiny.....ahhhh...too much sun!

The Volturi are gonna get me, put me back in the purse now!

So she put me back in the purse where I was sure to be safe at least until we were inside out of the sun!

Okay, in case everyone forgot, I'm a pocket vampire! Hello!
My human took me to this hall in the big ass palace I showed you before and she took my picture in this room with all these mirrors....ummm...hello pocket vampires do not have a reflection


Look at the background.....


I know I'm cool....I'm the shizz...I know no need to bow to my awesomeness...okay if you want!

out for now! More pics to come...maybe...

Yeah...tomorrow I conquer the Eiffel Tower!!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Pocket Edward Explores Paris! Yay!

Once upon a time a little 7 inch plastic doll that resembled this man:

went to Paris...carried in a purse by a very Twilight obsessed human woman

Pocket Edward was so excited because he's a huge ART lover!
So, you may ask, what did you do first?

GO TO THE LOUVRE, MAIS OUI!!! (of course)

So, we toured all these plastic and glass cases, filled with famous art, I guess.
Pocket Edward wanted to free the artwork from its box, like his human freed him from his plastic cage. (Opened the box)

See little Edward is very little and so were these little Ancient Egyptian thingies...

See PE is also 108 years old, so a lot of the paintings in this museum were not old to he had been to some of the artist's Vinny Van Gogh! He and PE have hung out!
Before he painted Starry night! (it was really Edward's skin sparkling, but don't tell)

yeah he and Claude Monet (pronounced Moh nay) hung out a lot too in his town of Giverny (pronounced Jee-ver-nee) when PE gave him the idea to paint the lily pads in the garden pond...whatever! (see below)

Quit your name dropping...brag much? Geez!

so in other words, these paintings were not considered "old" by vampire year standards

To tell you the truth: I don't really care! The little guy just got so excited he kept babbling on and on...blah blah blah!

Ummm... I don't know what was in this box.  Pocket Edward started knocking on the glass and I had to snatch him up and run at vamp speed so we didn't get kicked out...little trouble maker!

so we walked, and he talked about all the paintings and I put my ipod earbuds in, he couldn't see from so far down and we walked and he talked....BORING!

I sometimes wonder if he even knows how to have FUN!

so anyhoo!

hehe it looks like he is touching the pyramid...

It was so sunny but PE is plastic he doesn't sparkle like said vampire above!

So here he's pointing out the significance of the pyramids and how that and all the boring stuff above is tied together....

Pocket Edward: This pyramid is a significant and new part of this most famous museum
Me: I will drop you! Don't make me drop you in the fountain over there! Shut up! You sure do talk a lot! No more! *covers ears* 

*Puts him in purse*

hear muffled words coming out of purse


Poor little guy he was just excited!

PE proceeds to try to bite me with no success!  

Ha! see size does matter!

Finally, feeling sorry for him, I let him out of the purse, (when he stopped jabbering), and he was so mad he threw up his little pocket arms in frustration!

PE: This stuff I'm saying is important, stupid human girl, don't you care about history?
Me: No, not even a little bit! 

*PE throws up hands in disbelief*

Monday, July 6, 2009

PE Spouting History On the London Eye!

Our last day in London

Pocket Edward was dying to show us the city as he knows it because he has lived here with the Pocket Cullens before.

I just couldn't refuse. The little man is dazzling!

Pocket Edward said that the only way to see London is on the famous "London Eye."
Don't know what that is? see above
K so after this insanely long line or "queu" (pronounced cue)

I got in the pod thingie and out jumped PE! He was so excited he almost bit me.

The pods are really big and we all know PE doesn't have the best balance, so I helped him as we went up in the pod to look out the window.

K so we get a little ways up: after what seemed like hours:

PE kept complaining about all the people in the pod, he said that he felt too crowded and as he rose over his favorite city he wanted to brood in peace.

me: *eye roll* Get over it little wee man, ain't happenin'
As we go up he starts complaining about explaining how polluted the river has gotten since he last saw it. He said it used to be clearer.
Me: *eye roll* Whatever Eddie!

Then he cheered up a little bit because as we got very slowly higher Edward loved it because the people looked as small as him or maybe even "smaller."
He was so happy, he has a little bit of sensitivity about his size and that his legs don't move and he can't sit, not that he needs to but you know, he would like the ability.
yay the people are smaller than me! I'm tall! YES! Finally!

We all know that the Cullens are stinkin' rich well-off.

Pocket Eddie went on to tell us that he used to live in a "flat" near the river.

Later, I found out that said "flat" (why don't they just say apartment, geez) was insanely expensive!
Like in the millions of dollars! The high millions!

PE was really humble about it though, he knows I get mad when he talks about all the money he has.

Here he is showing me where it was.

All the buildings look the same to me and I thought all the buildings were businesses.

PE: you really are "special" sometimes huh? (to me)

then I accidentally dropped him! (yeah sure accidentally)

So then we get a little higher and he instructs me to turn him to the right so he can show me this bridge.
He went on forever about the history of this bridge and I so didn't care!
me: why won't you just shut up little dude (in my head) PE would bite me!
PE: blah, blah, blah, blah.........

Then he got mad at me, he could tell I wasn't listening. It may have been because I was rolling my eyes and trying to make him dance while he was blabbing on and on!

Okay, did I mention PE was mad at me, oh and that the London Eye moves so frickin slow? I mean we hadn't gotten that high yet.
PE was giving me the cold shoulder, so I said he may have another "accident," if he didn't stop acting like a baby! He may be small but he's mature!

In the above picture he is brooding....and looking down at the river muttering about stupid people who don't read enough or something!

whatever Edward *rolls eyes*
Me: Quit being such a drama queen!
He growled at me but ignored that comment, for now, I'm sure I'll pay for it later.

So then we get a little bit higher (like I said slowspice) and he continues to try to EDUCATE me on the history of the Thames river and the buildings around it.
Me: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......BORING!
Hand gestures don't help make it any more interesting. He did however, comment on the weather and how it was perfect for him cause you know, no sun but you can still see.

So, while he babbled on, I set him on the ledge against the window for a few minutes.
(I had to get away he would NOT shut up!) Blah blah blah I have two doctorates...blah blah blah...who cares?

As, we were coming back down, he finally showed me something I WANTED to see.
He explained that the clock tower is not Big Ben
Me: No, you are wrong that is Big Ben
PE: No, stupid light haired human, Big Ben is not a clock it's a bell in this tower BEHIND the clock! Then he tried to hit me! Tried is the operative word there!

then, we got to the bottom after what seemed like YEARS and tons of boring PE monologues about how things "used to be." And about the history of everything! and I mean EVERYTHING!

So to recap, Edward had a lot to say, I was in no mood to listen, I was tired and that thing moved so slow, so this wasn't so much of what you would call "an adventure."

The End.


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

PE representing in the UK! Part 2 and maybe France too!

Okay, I told you yesterday, that I had to help my human read the map of Warwick castle to find where the best places to go were.  Well, here we are about 20 minutes later and I'm still holding this huge map up and explaining to her where to go...apparently she must be a little "special."

Up here was some stupid tower she wanted to go to...whatever...I showed her the direction by pointing to it.  She couldn't understand whether it was left or right.  I miss B she knows stuff!
She's smart, unlike my human obviously!

Before, I met my pocket B, I spent a lot of time alone in my room, daydreaming.

duh! I don't do regular dreaming cause I don't sleep.  

When I daydreamed, I read and wrote poems similar to Mr. Billy Shakes (aka William Shakespeare).  
The sonnets used to depress me, but no more, now I get them, completely! 
Anyways, my human and I went to Stratford-upon-Avon, where Billy was born! 

It was totally stupid, but I needed a souvenir so I got this post-card for B. 

I never knew postcards were so big...I think I have underestimated my wee size once again!.

See I have like 2 medical degrees, and once upon a time me and my pocket fam...pocket Emmett, pocket Rose (ugh!), pocket Alice, pocket Jasper, pocket Carlisle, and pocket Esme, we once lived in England and I matriculated the hell out of some Oxford University.  

We had to wear these ugly robes and everything, Hogwarts robes they weren't! 

Anyways, I went to Oxford and I got a degree in Philosophy and stuff! So when, my human went to see it on her trip, I insisted (bit her till she gave in) that she buy me a shirt from there. She told me there was not one that was small enough for me, I said I didn't care, I would make it work!  


So, she helped me try on the shirt!   See below!

Help! Help! 
The shirt is suffocating me! 
Get it off! NOW! 
My pocket vampire screams were almost drowned out by my human's laughing....SHUT UP! HELP ME! It's dark in here!

Monday, June 29, 2009

PE representing in the UK!

Pocket Edward here hey ya'll!  

Ha! I use my southern twang cause my human is from "the South" whatever that's sunny as hell can't come out of my pocket..erm...purse...that's so girly....that often...but guess what! My human let me out in Europe when she went!  

Here's what happened!

PE really tore up Europe (when my human let me out!)

K I didn't really get out for 3 whole human was embarrassed by me. What is there to be embarrassed about? Needless to say I was playing with the remote control.  A LOT! I bit my human any time she got near it!  I WAS SOOOOO BORED! Btw...British hotel TV SUCKS!
Columbo??? Srsly?? That show is almost as old as me! DUDE!

K, I have little vampire eyes, but I noticed my human took this case with her whenever she went out.  I wanted out! I got in the case! But for once there was something too small for me...I got caught and my human took this picture of me.  I'm so ashamed! More than anything, I'm mad! I never get caught! I'm a pocket vampire dammit!

I brooded and my human took pity on me.  She took me with her on a bus trip.  This is me staring out the window!  When are we gonna get somewhere I got sick of riding in this bus inside her purse.  This window was huge and since I don't have very good balance, my human helped me stand in the window sill. were going really freakin' fast and I'm a fast dude.....Dude!

K, so I've been around a while, but I don't know everything...I don't know who's castle is who's in England it could be anyone right?  Well, when we FINALLY, got to wherever this is, Warwick Castle or whatever.  I was announcing to the world from the top of this handy dandy sign PE is here! RESPECT! No, because I am made of Plastic as much as I would like I don't sparkle in the sun so I was safe from the Volturi FOR NOW! Plus the Volturri hate the English people, so I not bes worried!  PE IN THE HOUSE or umm....CASTLE! 

This little dude wanted to fight, I was like dude I'm the PE and you are smaller than me! That's not easy to find these days, I mean I'm only seven inches bes short little dude...let's make peace not war!  He insisted so I pulled a Garfield and pushed his Odie butt right off the edge....umm...dude you're plastic, you have fallen and you can't get up! Trust me! I know from experience...unlike my human sized likeness...I'm clumsy! I fall all the time and I can't get up! I know what I am talkin about little dude.  TRUST THE PE!

Okay, like there were all these people that were the same size or bigger than my human, but didn't move and were made out of wax! What the effspice?  That is just creepy, humans creating fake likenesses in wax...ew...ew...ewww...okay I know I'm technically that way too but see I'm little it's not so creepy when you can fit in a pocket! It's groddy and lamespice! Ew! and did I mention EW!

My human's sense of direction...ummm...SUCKS! I helped her get around with this handy dandy map.  It was a big map! Ain't no thang, so I told my human where to go, but she went without me because....did I mention EW!!!! SEE ABOVE!!! Dude, I would rather face the Volturri than those groddy wax human sized fake people,  KThanxbye! Of course, I mean the POCKET VOLTURRI, not the human sized ones.  Of course, duh!